3 Months.

I can't express the emotion that comes as I think back to that 1st day home with baby boy. He was 24 hours old and it feels like just yesterday. So much has happened in the three months we've had him. He's growing, changing, babbling, cooing, and just the hint of a giggle has begun. He knows us. He loves us. We love him. Oh my, how we love him. He is ours... but not.

We've seen ups and downs with our case, we've seen what looks like common sense and then what looks like absolute mistakes. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride every.single. day. The wait feels endless and honestly many times I don't know how to react or feel. I want to know what the next year will look like, I'd love to look back on this journey and know the end. I'd love to prepare my heart for what's to come whether celebration or heartbreak. I've cried so many tears, I've laughed, I've cherished everyday. I know at least that much is true. This whole foster care journey has changed me for the better... it's made me appreciate the daily blessings... because I know that I may not see his future.. so I better relish the moments.. 

I wish I could say that's easy, that it's easy to allow the pain into my joy.. but I shield myself from the reality of what could be a lot. I can't think too much about saying goodbye... because I know it will wreck me.. it will be a pain that I fear will consume me.. I peek at that place every once in awhile.. and even now my throat closes up and tears build behind my eyes.. it's unimaginable.. but it's the risk you take in foster care. 

I also allow my mind to envision seeing him off to kindergarten, running around the yard playing, seeing his whole life play out as my son.. this is much easier on the heart.. my heart longs for this to be so.. I pray for this outcome and God knows my hearts desire..

Knowing my desire and remembering that God is standing at the end.. He created this sweet boy and knows his whole life.. I pray more for his safety now than anything.. that God would protect him even if I can't. I pray for the system that makes decisions on his behalf.. remembering that God is the ultimate judge.. that God is sovereign and in that I find rest.. I find rest in the shelter of His loving care and I pray that sweet baby always knows he is the son of the Most High.. 

Please pray for justice, for protection, and for wisdom of the court system. That they would place baby's safety first, that we would have peace for whatever may come. We have court again at the end of June and then another court hearing that will bear a lot of weight in August. 

Every moment is worth it. Every day sweet baby is safe is important. Every tear that falls is worth the joy that comes in loving a child in the system... 

All of Me...

Feeling this song. The words are so true in my heart and head.

Matt Hammitt "All of Me"

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Chorus (X2)

It's where I'll start

Click on Link to hear song! http://youtu.be/50ygAc2qP5A

Newborn

I am grateful to be sharing the news that we've had a foster placement, who we were lucky enough to get to bring home from the hospital. It's a rare thing for that to happen here in NE, so we are feeling very blessed to get to experience these first few days with our new little guy. He is such a sweet baby. He has a beautiful head of hair and weighed a whopping 9 lb. 5 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long.

We are loving every minute, enjoying the baby noises and sleepless nights.. it's night two tonight and last night went so well, Michael and I relished in the late night feedings.. enjoyed the feeling of us being the only ones who were awake at those hours and feel blessed to get to share in this little ones life. Our case is going to be a long one, there are many factors and court proceedings that we will be waiting on.. we are just taking it one day at a time and loving on him for however long we have him..

I write with a grateful heart and pray that this little life will be safe and secure.... praising God that he is here now, where he is.

Saying Yes.

Yes. I say that word a lot during a days time. However, in foster care saying yes, changes everything and getting to the place where yes is the answer takes time and processing. Situations that are beyond my comprehension, but children that I long to take in seem to overshadow the unknowns I fear.

We've said yes to two children, one who will come right away and another that will come later. We are waiting behind any available and suitable family members who may come through the woodwork. Honestly hoping that none come is a weird feeling... but, I must be honest and say we hope that we are the ones who will take in these littles. We are willing and waiting to do all we can to make life easier as we wait on the system to do what it has to. We had the weekend to process through our decision and we went back and forth on it.. we wanted them, but we feared that we wouldn't get them.. which makes saying yes harder in some ways, because we have opened our hearts to these littles and we know that as of now it's not a for sure thing... hoping to know for sure soon.. but it takes time to locate and search out family... so we wait and hope.

My heart is whispering yes... and my head is telling me to take it slow... but oh how I want to take them in. We shall see what tomorrow brings. Prepping for what could be and trying to remain cautious. Pray for the littles this situation affects.. pray for justice, pray for mercy, pray! Thank you!

Questions & Doubts & Release

It's been a week of questions, questioning why the wait for a placement, will we ever get one... waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if it will... jumping every time it does..hoping that it'll be a placement call... but yet, we wait.... we've had calls, but mainly for teens and respite.. which really isn't what we are looking at this phase of life, we have three teens living in our house right now and that's enough I think...

Doubt creeps in as the waiting continues, we start asking ourselves all sorts of questions... we ask why the wait... is this not something God wants for us? Did we make the wrong decision.. and I think I am highly sensitive about that now... I feel like we've made decisions that we thought were the right ones and even though it was a "good" decision.. our path just looked so different from what I thought it would look like... I am afraid at times when things seem to be "on hold" that we've taken a wrong turn.. BUT then I remember that it's not supposed to look a certain way... my expectations need to be dropped away and I need to let God do what He needs to do and apparently that means me waiting. So, I wait. And I choose to Praise Him anyway, even though my plans were to see a baby here day 1 and to have a calls when that baby goes back to mom and dad or we have a forever baby immediately.. it's hard to lay my desires down and experience what God is doing when I feel that it's nothing.... because we have a very empty baby room... hard to walk past it everyday.. as my heart longs for a full room.... we look back at our eleven year journey with infertility and realize that there is a bigger plan, a greater purpose, but how I long for littles.. that never goes away... so I pray and seek His face.. I remember that God loves me with an extravagant love and I rejoice... because whatever this road may look like.. it's a blessed road and I choose to have a grateful heart..

I feel my attitude change as my perspective is set on the eternal one... it's worth it, God can handle my doubts and questions and He loves me anyway.. I want Him to be glorified as we walk this path and I need to get outta the way and let go... letting go even of my own desire and releasing it.. releasing my desire for littles and believing that God is enough.. may he use the desire in a way that pleases Him and may I be faithful to lay it down and give it to Him... so here it is Lord... it's Yours... it's all Yours!

Goodbyes

As I look back at this week and know that it was only four days ago that our house was a buzz with kids running about and babies cooing, I can't believe how quickly that changes. On Monday night we said goodbye to our three little blessings and placed them in the hands of family members. Although we said goodbye to Baby A (our first placement), we hadn't experienced the hard reality of little ones who could say goodbye to us. Baby A was 6 wks old and two of the little guys we had this time were well aware that this was a goodbye...

Michael and I found it incredibly difficult packing up their things and carrying it all to the car, it feels so final as you pack things up... We drove to the building that they have supervised visitations and then we went into the room where they had earlier visited with their mom and saw our cute little guys sitting on the couch waiting for us, a caseworker was holding the baby who was eager to be snuggled... we tried very hard not to cry, but even as I type this my eyes are pooling with tears.. I can still picture their sweet faces and us telling them that they would be going with family, they talked about seeing mom and we said we were glad that they had gotten to see her, we said that they wouldn't be staying with us and that we needed to say goodbye and we hugged them and I cried... the 3 year old noticed and he wanted to make me feel better I think, so he showed me his most awesome somersault, he knew it was my favorite..because I had told him how good he was at them earlier... I will hold that moment in my heart always..he wanted to cheer me up.. Snuggling the baby and kissing him was hard... these little ones had been so sick when they had arrived with us, it had been quite a week of comforting and bonding.. the baby and I spent a lot of hours together during the night hours rocking him to sleep and I had the hardest time giving him back to the social worker.. Health and Human Services cried with us, they were so sweet and they thanked us over and over for taking such good care of the boys.. we know that we did all we could, we got them to the Doctors, they were healthier and cleaner, they had had a safe week with us... we loved them... they will always be a part of our hearts.. goodbyes are hard, but in the foster care system they are a part of the journey, it's hard, but it's so worth it. We now have lots of young men to continue to pray for, to lift before a God who is in control and who loves them more than we do... grateful I can lay my fears and tears at the feet of such a gracious God...

In dealing with lots of sickness with the boys Michael and I are not feeling our best. We've been battling colds and fevers this week. We wiped a lot of runny noses and got coughed on a lot.. we are healing both physically and emotionally.. we are feeling more equipped and ready to take on another case... the sad thing about the foster system is that calls continue to come, there are so many children in need of a safe haven in our city... our journey continues and may we love with reckless abandon knowing that we aren't guaranteed a time frame, it may be for a day or it may be for a lifetime, regardless may we love the same.

Three.

This week we took three boys ages 3, 18 months and 5 months. I think looking at their ages you can imagine the juggling that needs to take place to meet their needs.. it makes for a very busy day and night. The first day we had them we noticed the coughs and were informed that our littlest guy had been taken to the ER before he was placed and being treated with a nebulizer.. after a very sleepless night we made Dr. appointments for the oldest two boys and found out we were dealing with untreated asthma and bronchitis, double ear infections, etc... so with a kick of steroids and antibiotics we've seen such better days and nights with them. Praising God for that! I did however end up taking the baby to the ER at about midnight last night and they treated him for croup and gave him a steroid shot, his breathing is finally taking a turn for the better and he is sleeping much more soundly and is able to eat easier. It's been a roller coaster, but we've seen such little triumphs and moments of absolute joy with them. My heart is growing so attached and I feel like our new "normal" is arriving...

We found out that a family member will most likely take them possibly Monday... I am sad and glad all at the same time.. it's good that they are going to be with family if it's a good fit, but it's so hard to prepare to see them go... It's not a for sure thing yet, but it's leaning in that direction.. praying for my heart and theirs as they will be bobbled into another home and have to relearn routine all over again... they've really blossomed under our love and encouragement and I am thankful for the time we've had.

Learning what matters most....

This Christmas season has been busy with some new activity. It's the first year we've experienced City Impact's Gifts of Love, doing foster care, and having a foreign exchange student.

Watching and hearing the community experience Christmas with dignity at Gifts of Love was really awesome. Last night the kids who participate in the ILA program had the chance to shop for their families, they were all very excited and it was cool to hear their stories and see their excitement!

Foster care has given me another view into what really matters. How often I stress out about trivial things and when you open your eyes and heart to the hurt all around you, I am struck by how selfish I can be. Our family has processed some tough things these past few days and we are praying and hoping that God will have his way in our lives... He's stretching us for sure. So, as Michael and I Christmas shop and look around us at the immense blessing of our family and children, we are even more aware of God's grace. I feel more aware of how it's not about what's under the tree, but it's about those who gather around it. I am so thankful for the safety of our home, for the love, laughter and peace that we enjoy. Praying for the children who don't have that, who are being abused, neglected, and forgotten this Christmas, may our eyes not be closed to the reality that surrounds us... praying that our house will soon be a place of healing for those in need!

Our foreign exchange student is experiencing Christmas American style for the first time... he's enjoying the food! He did some shopping last night and was able to buy some stocking stuffers. He is still struggling with language and also just engaging in life here in the States. I think he is really missing China and we are hoping that he soon embraces his new life here... because it's been a rough transition and he doesn't seem to want to be an American student. So your prayers are appreciated!

In this season of giving.. my heart is being transformed and I am thankful for the new perspective on life.. for the moments where I stop and appreciate God's love and peace in the midst of chaos.

Merry Christmas!!

It's been BUSY!

Wow, sorry for the delay in posts. Our household has been busy. Really really busy. With my husband's work doing one of their biggest community outreaches and life in retail for me during the Christmas season, woo it's been quite the schedule lately.

I am happy to report I've been watching a little one (baby A again). My heart has been so happy to snuggle and love on him for the past week and beginning of this one. I am getting up at 6 every morning and preparing for him to come at 6:30. Packing lunches for the three teenagers in my house before 6:30 and this morning giving Baby A a bath. I am such a content momma right now. I love the sound of his breathing as he sleeps and the sweet smell of baby lotion that lingers in the house after he heads home for the night.

We've had a few calls since the last I posted. One that we said yes to that fell through and one we said no to. The yes that fell through was pretty heartbreaking, we were so excited about having her and when she ended up with someone else, that was hard. The one we said no to was a 2 am phone call that would have been for two little ones and we didn't feel like we were the right home for them. Although it was terribly hard to say no, it was the right choice. Praying that God would continue to direct our decisions and also our hearts as we get calls and make some hard choices. Hearing the sad stories that take place in families right here in our city is difficult... and I don't think I will ever get used to processing them...

It's been a full day with Baby A and I work tonight at Von Maur, I have to say I am ready for my retail to be done, I much prefer taking care of babies at home! Although my co-workers are amazing, looking forward to this being my last week there (until next year). Off to play with Baby A! :)

Ticket please.

I feel like I have purchased a ticket for a roller coaster... I've sat down and the ride has been this steep hill that we've finally crested..the plunge has ended... and the ups and downs of the subsequent hills have begun. We had our first part time placement and it ended yesterday, I received a phone call before noon today and I was so excited. It was another little one and we gladly accepted the placement. Now, after doing some shopping for him, we received another phone call at 4pm that they found a family member to take him instead... although that's great for the family, my heart is so heavy... I feel like my mind and heart ran through many months ahead thinking about what was to come and what our lives would look like... I'm having a hard time believing that he won't be here tonight... I was ready... the roller coaster is in full swing and I'm holding on to the hope that our time will come....

Baby A

We've had a temporary "daycare placement," that's what I'd call it for the past few days and it's been amazing. This sweet little baby is about 3 weeks old and I've had the joy of watching him from about 6:30am to about 4:00. It's amazing how little he is, how sweet it is watching him sleep and snuggle. My heart is full. Hoping for a full time placement is hard, because honestly it's hard to want a family to be split up... so I can't really saying hoping, but I'm ready for it any day now.... I think I'll have "baby A" as we call him, since he is our first baby for a few more days and I'll be enjoying every minute of it.

Thankful Thursday!

'Tis the Season for Thanks! Love that this time of year brings to mind lots of things to be thankful for. I am so grateful that our foster care license is complete and we are now ready to take a little one! We've already received two calls and one of the situations fell through and the other we said no to. That was hard for me, saying no...so, actually Michael made that call to say no. I had the privilege of texting a friend after that and she wrote something that absolutely soothed my troubled heart. She said, "God's got this! He won't let you make the wrong decision for you both love Him and submit to Him. You are journeying well, my friend." How amazing is that? I will cherish and hold on to those words, they will remind me during times where I question whether or not I made the right choice and trust that indeed God's got this! Blessed and thankful for a friend like her!

So today I give thanks with a grateful heart that we can officially begin our foster care journey. Also, that God is faithful to put amazing friends and family in my life, who will walk with us as we serve the children of our community.

Licensed Soon!!

Just got word from our agency partner that we should be licensed today or tomorrow! Praise the Lord!

Orphans Among Us

Last Sunday we had the blessing of attending a class at LBC with other foster & adoptive parents called "Orphans Among Us". It was wonderful to gather together with like minded Christians who are journeying the foster care system. We had lots of round table discussions and got to know some new faces. I am incredibly excited to gather again with these people soon. We had the chance to hear from a case worker here in Lincoln and also an attorney share their journey and how to pray as we move forward.

It made me all the more ready for our processing to be done. I am so ready to be licensed and have that checked off our list. It feels like it's taken a long time for our agency partner to get our paperwork in and we are still waiting on the state to get back to us. I plan to give our worker a call tomorrow and touch base. After our wonderful meeting on Sunday, my heart is feeling more stirred to start serving! 

Looking forward to letting all of you know when the process of licensing is complete! Praying it's soon!

It's not really ours...

In church yesterday they showed a video of a couple who sold their house and downsized, and I will paraphrase here on what I heard... they felt convicted that the life they were living needed an overhaul. They wanted to give more of what God had blessed them with back to others. This story of sacrifice inspired me in that we should be willing to give up and share what's not really ours anyway, it's God's.

I feel that this is our season of doing just that, our season to open our home to foster children and to a foreign exchange student. We are blessed to have a 5 bedroom house. A house that is such a blessing in so many ways; one of my favorite reasons is that we are only 2 minutes from our kids' school! What a wonderful opportunity to open our home up and use the bedrooms that we have, not just for ourselves, but for others. I am so excited to see what our story will look like, what amazing things will happen at our dinner table, people we've not yet met who we will come to call family, and I am thankful that we have room to spare! We are planning on welcoming in a young man from China soon. They are just waiting on his visa to get finalized. Pray that goes quickly for him. Hoping to have him here with us in a few weeks! I look forward to getting to know him and I know that Caleb and he will enjoy being sophomores together at LCS.  Missions is still a passion in our hearts and God continues to use that passion in only ways He could foresee.

 I am also excited to begin taking in a foster baby soon as well. We are waiting on the State's final seal of approval and should be licensed in about 2 wks. Can't wait to welcome in a new little one to our lives. Feel so blessed that we can step up and help. There is such a need for good foster parents in our state and city. Thankful that we have the room to take in a child for as long as needed. So we will converge on these very awesome opportunities at about the same time.

Thankful for the road we're on, for the many blessings we have, for a full heart as God expands our family in some unexpected ways, it's such an answer to prayer...stay tuned for details on all these moments ahead!

Making it official

Tonight I received a call from our social worker, we are setting the date to finalize the paperwork to become foster parents. I am feeling a lot of emotions as we enter this next journey of our lives. I don't know if I can put into words all the little things and big things running through my brain, but I will do my best to tackle a few of them.

Anxious. Anxious about all the unknowns. I feel like that kind of sums up our life most of the time though. We make big decisions and take some risks without too much anxiety, but there are times in our near past where that's caused some heartache and honestly, I know that there will be heartache involved as we journey the foster care system as foster parents. We've been prepared in classes about how hard this will be. But we can do hard things! There is so much good that comes as you push through and deal with difficult situations, so much growing takes place when things aren't easy. I am ready for this.

Excited. I really am looking forward to having little one(s) back in our household! I can't wait to hear their little voice and hold a baby again. We've set up the room and put up a crib, gotten out some of our kids' little baby toys. I know that it will be a wonderful experience in so many ways and look forward to adding to our family and watching a new little one learn new things and love on them!

Hopeful. I really like Cedars Foster Care Agency. They've been wonderful to partner with and learn from. The workers are great and I feel confident that they will give us the support we need and will lead us to the right fit for us and the child(ren) we will take in. I have such hope that things will be good and that the outcome will always be what's best for the child. I know that may sound naive, but I know that God has this whole thing in His hands and that we will do our part in opening up our home and taking care of the children who will be placed with us and the rest is in His hands.

That last sentence really takes me back to my first emotion... I know that the truth is God's got it all under control... letting go of my worries is hard, I tend to worry... but truth is taking hold..
Philippians 4:6 says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Yet here I am being anxious. May the words of my heart be filled with thanksgiving as I lay my worries down and know that the God of the universe has my heart and He's got this! He's got this!

Room to grow

My heart is yearning today for the children I've never met. The foster care process is complete, we are just waiting on final paperwork and I am ready to embark on the next step. Ready to grow our household and very ready to see and hold the little ones who's room we've prepared.

My struggle of infertility and training and preparation through foster care gives me a unique perspective at times. I see the parents of these children in the foster system and wonder how they could take for-granted the blessing that they have. How could they make choices that damage and destroy flesh of their flesh? Michael and I have prayed many times as we've walked through infertility that God would bless us again with flesh of our flesh, but God had better plans and we are finally seeing what that plan was... it was that we would pour ourselves out and open our hearts to the children in our city who need love and family for however long or short the amount of time, there is a need. And we are willing and able to fit that need. I can now honestly say I am grateful for the struggle of infertility. I have a softness to my heart when it comes to others walking the same road, I also have seen the miracle of pregnancy against odds that seemed insurmountable... although that wasn't our journey through fertility treatments, we remain joyful in the Lord that He knows more and we trust that His way will be far better... So we are anticipating good things, knowing that the road of fostering will not be easy, but it will be rewarding, that God is already preparing our hearts and home for the little ones who will be in it and we are praying that we will have permanency with them, that we could adopt more children and grow our family.

Fostering

Yesterday was a very exciting day for us. We put up a crib! I can't even explain in words how that simple task wrecked my heart in such great ways. I found myself imagining all the possibilities and relishing in the simple fact that soon a little one will sleep in that crib, make cooing noises, cry, fuss, giggle, babble, chat, and my little heart is all a flutter!

The reality of the circumstances behind why that little one will be lying in this crib gets my heart wrecked for a whole other reason. Abuse of some form will have taken place to remove this precious little one from their biological parent(s). My heart is heavy and we've already starting praying for the sweet child(ren) who will grace our home with their presence. Praying also for our hearts as a family as we deal with the ups and downs of the foster system...

I am tinkering in the "baby room" as we've donned it, buying cute bed sheets, baby books, blankets, and little things that make it feel ready for our new occupant(s). We are also setting up a twin bed, so that we'll have room for two kiddos if need be. I will post some pictures of our process. I think I have decided on a theme for the room, a forest friends theme. That way if it's little boys or little girls I can tinker with some things to make it more fitting for either. Our room is a spring green color, which I think is great, I can accent with brown and blue for boys and pink for girls. I am loving this new project.. my heart is anticipating all that is yet to come, but I am so thankful for the moments of getting it ready, watching my honey put up the crib was such a joy! Can't wait to welcome a little one or two home.

Life is full of changes!

It's been almost 2 months since I've written anything, where has the time gone? We've had so many transitions in these 2 months of my absence. We've moved to a house, my parents are living with us, we are currently going through the foster care process to become foster parents, and summer is in full swing.

Our move to the new house has been such a wonderful blessing. We have a five bedroom house, which has come in very handy! We were able to give my parents their own room and bathroom as my dad is recovering from ankle fusion surgery. He will have to be in a non-walking cast until Sept. 18th. It's been quite a transition for both them and us as we are getting used to living together. This will be a summer that we will always remember! With my parents being on the road most of the year, it's been nice to reconnect and spend lots of time together. Oh, and we also are housing their doggy Spot too... so it's a busy household!

We are only planning on it getting busier, we are going through foster care training and are hoping to be certified come this September. We are looking forward to adding to our household and are hoping that God will provide some permanent kiddos to our family as well. It's been an eyeopening process as we've learned some heartbreaking things about what our world around us is like here in Lincoln. We are constantly praying for the little ones who will be staying with us even if we don't know who they are, our wonderful Lord does. Our kids are mostly excited to have some new faces joining our life, everyone is a bit nervous about certain things, but know that we can trust that God knows everything that will come and he's got our hearts in His hands.

Summer is in full swing and we are having a lot of fun. Our summer has been busy serving in ministry. Caleb was a camp counselor at Camp Maranatha, Faith is currently serving a special needs child at VBS, and all of us have had the joy of doing Circle Ministry at Peter Pan Park here in Lincoln on Tuesday nights with City Impact.  Faith and I had the privilege of shopping for the ILA kids with some great ladies. Our home has been a flurry of activities with friends, our kids' friends who seem to fill up our basement whenever they can. :) God has been good! We've enjoyed all the ministry opportunities as a family!!  We are hoping to get away sometime in early August for a family getaway. We aren't quite sure what that will look like yet, but know that we all could use it.