3 Months.

I can't express the emotion that comes as I think back to that 1st day home with baby boy. He was 24 hours old and it feels like just yesterday. So much has happened in the three months we've had him. He's growing, changing, babbling, cooing, and just the hint of a giggle has begun. He knows us. He loves us. We love him. Oh my, how we love him. He is ours... but not.

We've seen ups and downs with our case, we've seen what looks like common sense and then what looks like absolute mistakes. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride every.single. day. The wait feels endless and honestly many times I don't know how to react or feel. I want to know what the next year will look like, I'd love to look back on this journey and know the end. I'd love to prepare my heart for what's to come whether celebration or heartbreak. I've cried so many tears, I've laughed, I've cherished everyday. I know at least that much is true. This whole foster care journey has changed me for the better... it's made me appreciate the daily blessings... because I know that I may not see his future.. so I better relish the moments.. 

I wish I could say that's easy, that it's easy to allow the pain into my joy.. but I shield myself from the reality of what could be a lot. I can't think too much about saying goodbye... because I know it will wreck me.. it will be a pain that I fear will consume me.. I peek at that place every once in awhile.. and even now my throat closes up and tears build behind my eyes.. it's unimaginable.. but it's the risk you take in foster care. 

I also allow my mind to envision seeing him off to kindergarten, running around the yard playing, seeing his whole life play out as my son.. this is much easier on the heart.. my heart longs for this to be so.. I pray for this outcome and God knows my hearts desire..

Knowing my desire and remembering that God is standing at the end.. He created this sweet boy and knows his whole life.. I pray more for his safety now than anything.. that God would protect him even if I can't. I pray for the system that makes decisions on his behalf.. remembering that God is the ultimate judge.. that God is sovereign and in that I find rest.. I find rest in the shelter of His loving care and I pray that sweet baby always knows he is the son of the Most High.. 

Please pray for justice, for protection, and for wisdom of the court system. That they would place baby's safety first, that we would have peace for whatever may come. We have court again at the end of June and then another court hearing that will bear a lot of weight in August. 

Every moment is worth it. Every day sweet baby is safe is important. Every tear that falls is worth the joy that comes in loving a child in the system...