Privileged

So much of what I get to do as a mom and wife is a privilege. Saying I love yous and hearing them back...what more can I ask for? I think about what joy comes for the hugs and words of affirmation that I get to give each day. I am not saying in any way that this is all my day is filled with. I argue with my kids and husband and I have many moments of frustration.. but overall I am grateful for the all of it. The messy mishaps and right now I am overwhelmed by how privileged I am to have my family. 

My husband is dealing with kidney stone issues today and didn't sleep much last night, I am reminded of all he does to help our family run smoothly. It's days like today where I see all that he contributes to helping out in the house and I realize how very lucky I am. Thankful for a man like Michael, and I am trying to serve him today in any way I can to help his day be easier. Hoping he is feeling back to his usual self soon and that the stone passes quickly! Prayers appreciated!

I am glad that I get to do laundry today, happy that I can fold my kids clothes, because there are lots of women who are longing to fold little baby clothes today and I refuse to take it for-granted. So my griping about the many baskets that now line my laundry room will go unheard today. I am privileged. I am thankful.

Perspective is everything. It's a good day. It's a day to look around and realize all that I've been given... what a great gift life is!

3 Months.

I can't express the emotion that comes as I think back to that 1st day home with baby boy. He was 24 hours old and it feels like just yesterday. So much has happened in the three months we've had him. He's growing, changing, babbling, cooing, and just the hint of a giggle has begun. He knows us. He loves us. We love him. Oh my, how we love him. He is ours... but not.

We've seen ups and downs with our case, we've seen what looks like common sense and then what looks like absolute mistakes. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride every.single. day. The wait feels endless and honestly many times I don't know how to react or feel. I want to know what the next year will look like, I'd love to look back on this journey and know the end. I'd love to prepare my heart for what's to come whether celebration or heartbreak. I've cried so many tears, I've laughed, I've cherished everyday. I know at least that much is true. This whole foster care journey has changed me for the better... it's made me appreciate the daily blessings... because I know that I may not see his future.. so I better relish the moments.. 

I wish I could say that's easy, that it's easy to allow the pain into my joy.. but I shield myself from the reality of what could be a lot. I can't think too much about saying goodbye... because I know it will wreck me.. it will be a pain that I fear will consume me.. I peek at that place every once in awhile.. and even now my throat closes up and tears build behind my eyes.. it's unimaginable.. but it's the risk you take in foster care. 

I also allow my mind to envision seeing him off to kindergarten, running around the yard playing, seeing his whole life play out as my son.. this is much easier on the heart.. my heart longs for this to be so.. I pray for this outcome and God knows my hearts desire..

Knowing my desire and remembering that God is standing at the end.. He created this sweet boy and knows his whole life.. I pray more for his safety now than anything.. that God would protect him even if I can't. I pray for the system that makes decisions on his behalf.. remembering that God is the ultimate judge.. that God is sovereign and in that I find rest.. I find rest in the shelter of His loving care and I pray that sweet baby always knows he is the son of the Most High.. 

Please pray for justice, for protection, and for wisdom of the court system. That they would place baby's safety first, that we would have peace for whatever may come. We have court again at the end of June and then another court hearing that will bear a lot of weight in August. 

Every moment is worth it. Every day sweet baby is safe is important. Every tear that falls is worth the joy that comes in loving a child in the system... 

All of Me...

Feeling this song. The words are so true in my heart and head.

Matt Hammitt "All of Me"

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Chorus (X2)

It's where I'll start

Click on Link to hear song! http://youtu.be/50ygAc2qP5A

Newborn

I am grateful to be sharing the news that we've had a foster placement, who we were lucky enough to get to bring home from the hospital. It's a rare thing for that to happen here in NE, so we are feeling very blessed to get to experience these first few days with our new little guy. He is such a sweet baby. He has a beautiful head of hair and weighed a whopping 9 lb. 5 oz. and was 21 1/2 inches long.

We are loving every minute, enjoying the baby noises and sleepless nights.. it's night two tonight and last night went so well, Michael and I relished in the late night feedings.. enjoyed the feeling of us being the only ones who were awake at those hours and feel blessed to get to share in this little ones life. Our case is going to be a long one, there are many factors and court proceedings that we will be waiting on.. we are just taking it one day at a time and loving on him for however long we have him..

I write with a grateful heart and pray that this little life will be safe and secure.... praising God that he is here now, where he is.

Saying Yes.

Yes. I say that word a lot during a days time. However, in foster care saying yes, changes everything and getting to the place where yes is the answer takes time and processing. Situations that are beyond my comprehension, but children that I long to take in seem to overshadow the unknowns I fear.

We've said yes to two children, one who will come right away and another that will come later. We are waiting behind any available and suitable family members who may come through the woodwork. Honestly hoping that none come is a weird feeling... but, I must be honest and say we hope that we are the ones who will take in these littles. We are willing and waiting to do all we can to make life easier as we wait on the system to do what it has to. We had the weekend to process through our decision and we went back and forth on it.. we wanted them, but we feared that we wouldn't get them.. which makes saying yes harder in some ways, because we have opened our hearts to these littles and we know that as of now it's not a for sure thing... hoping to know for sure soon.. but it takes time to locate and search out family... so we wait and hope.

My heart is whispering yes... and my head is telling me to take it slow... but oh how I want to take them in. We shall see what tomorrow brings. Prepping for what could be and trying to remain cautious. Pray for the littles this situation affects.. pray for justice, pray for mercy, pray! Thank you!

Thankful Thursday!!

I am so glad it's Thursday! I had the best day that I feel as though I am bursting at the seams with thankfulness! Here's the highlights of my day:

~ Started the morning with some lovely English Muffins that my sweet friend Amy brought to me yesterday. Oh.my.goodness. Will have to make some of my own soon. Click on the link for recipe: http://amy-newnostalgia.blogspot.com/2013/01/amazingly-delicious-homemade-english.html

~ It's date day with my wonderful husband and he took me to lunch & movie this afternoon! Love the theater and we had Samurai Sam's for lunch!

~ He then took me to one of my favorite thrift stores here in Lincoln and we found this awesome Ethan Allen settee for a steal of a deal and he bought it for me for Valentine's Day!

~ Then I called a dear sweet friend and she is going to help me reupholster the settee! So, we've planned a girls day with our daughters this Saturday to pick out fabric! So excited to tackle this project with her!!

I am grateful for activity, houseful of friends at our table the last two nights, and just an amazing weekend ahead. It's been an exceptional Thursday! Thankful indeed!!

Questions & Doubts & Release

It's been a week of questions, questioning why the wait for a placement, will we ever get one... waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if it will... jumping every time it does..hoping that it'll be a placement call... but yet, we wait.... we've had calls, but mainly for teens and respite.. which really isn't what we are looking at this phase of life, we have three teens living in our house right now and that's enough I think...

Doubt creeps in as the waiting continues, we start asking ourselves all sorts of questions... we ask why the wait... is this not something God wants for us? Did we make the wrong decision.. and I think I am highly sensitive about that now... I feel like we've made decisions that we thought were the right ones and even though it was a "good" decision.. our path just looked so different from what I thought it would look like... I am afraid at times when things seem to be "on hold" that we've taken a wrong turn.. BUT then I remember that it's not supposed to look a certain way... my expectations need to be dropped away and I need to let God do what He needs to do and apparently that means me waiting. So, I wait. And I choose to Praise Him anyway, even though my plans were to see a baby here day 1 and to have a calls when that baby goes back to mom and dad or we have a forever baby immediately.. it's hard to lay my desires down and experience what God is doing when I feel that it's nothing.... because we have a very empty baby room... hard to walk past it everyday.. as my heart longs for a full room.... we look back at our eleven year journey with infertility and realize that there is a bigger plan, a greater purpose, but how I long for littles.. that never goes away... so I pray and seek His face.. I remember that God loves me with an extravagant love and I rejoice... because whatever this road may look like.. it's a blessed road and I choose to have a grateful heart..

I feel my attitude change as my perspective is set on the eternal one... it's worth it, God can handle my doubts and questions and He loves me anyway.. I want Him to be glorified as we walk this path and I need to get outta the way and let go... letting go even of my own desire and releasing it.. releasing my desire for littles and believing that God is enough.. may he use the desire in a way that pleases Him and may I be faithful to lay it down and give it to Him... so here it is Lord... it's Yours... it's all Yours!

Goodbyes

As I look back at this week and know that it was only four days ago that our house was a buzz with kids running about and babies cooing, I can't believe how quickly that changes. On Monday night we said goodbye to our three little blessings and placed them in the hands of family members. Although we said goodbye to Baby A (our first placement), we hadn't experienced the hard reality of little ones who could say goodbye to us. Baby A was 6 wks old and two of the little guys we had this time were well aware that this was a goodbye...

Michael and I found it incredibly difficult packing up their things and carrying it all to the car, it feels so final as you pack things up... We drove to the building that they have supervised visitations and then we went into the room where they had earlier visited with their mom and saw our cute little guys sitting on the couch waiting for us, a caseworker was holding the baby who was eager to be snuggled... we tried very hard not to cry, but even as I type this my eyes are pooling with tears.. I can still picture their sweet faces and us telling them that they would be going with family, they talked about seeing mom and we said we were glad that they had gotten to see her, we said that they wouldn't be staying with us and that we needed to say goodbye and we hugged them and I cried... the 3 year old noticed and he wanted to make me feel better I think, so he showed me his most awesome somersault, he knew it was my favorite..because I had told him how good he was at them earlier... I will hold that moment in my heart always..he wanted to cheer me up.. Snuggling the baby and kissing him was hard... these little ones had been so sick when they had arrived with us, it had been quite a week of comforting and bonding.. the baby and I spent a lot of hours together during the night hours rocking him to sleep and I had the hardest time giving him back to the social worker.. Health and Human Services cried with us, they were so sweet and they thanked us over and over for taking such good care of the boys.. we know that we did all we could, we got them to the Doctors, they were healthier and cleaner, they had had a safe week with us... we loved them... they will always be a part of our hearts.. goodbyes are hard, but in the foster care system they are a part of the journey, it's hard, but it's so worth it. We now have lots of young men to continue to pray for, to lift before a God who is in control and who loves them more than we do... grateful I can lay my fears and tears at the feet of such a gracious God...

In dealing with lots of sickness with the boys Michael and I are not feeling our best. We've been battling colds and fevers this week. We wiped a lot of runny noses and got coughed on a lot.. we are healing both physically and emotionally.. we are feeling more equipped and ready to take on another case... the sad thing about the foster system is that calls continue to come, there are so many children in need of a safe haven in our city... our journey continues and may we love with reckless abandon knowing that we aren't guaranteed a time frame, it may be for a day or it may be for a lifetime, regardless may we love the same.

Three.

This week we took three boys ages 3, 18 months and 5 months. I think looking at their ages you can imagine the juggling that needs to take place to meet their needs.. it makes for a very busy day and night. The first day we had them we noticed the coughs and were informed that our littlest guy had been taken to the ER before he was placed and being treated with a nebulizer.. after a very sleepless night we made Dr. appointments for the oldest two boys and found out we were dealing with untreated asthma and bronchitis, double ear infections, etc... so with a kick of steroids and antibiotics we've seen such better days and nights with them. Praising God for that! I did however end up taking the baby to the ER at about midnight last night and they treated him for croup and gave him a steroid shot, his breathing is finally taking a turn for the better and he is sleeping much more soundly and is able to eat easier. It's been a roller coaster, but we've seen such little triumphs and moments of absolute joy with them. My heart is growing so attached and I feel like our new "normal" is arriving...

We found out that a family member will most likely take them possibly Monday... I am sad and glad all at the same time.. it's good that they are going to be with family if it's a good fit, but it's so hard to prepare to see them go... It's not a for sure thing yet, but it's leaning in that direction.. praying for my heart and theirs as they will be bobbled into another home and have to relearn routine all over again... they've really blossomed under our love and encouragement and I am thankful for the time we've had.