Questions & Doubts & Release

It's been a week of questions, questioning why the wait for a placement, will we ever get one... waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if it will... jumping every time it does..hoping that it'll be a placement call... but yet, we wait.... we've had calls, but mainly for teens and respite.. which really isn't what we are looking at this phase of life, we have three teens living in our house right now and that's enough I think...

Doubt creeps in as the waiting continues, we start asking ourselves all sorts of questions... we ask why the wait... is this not something God wants for us? Did we make the wrong decision.. and I think I am highly sensitive about that now... I feel like we've made decisions that we thought were the right ones and even though it was a "good" decision.. our path just looked so different from what I thought it would look like... I am afraid at times when things seem to be "on hold" that we've taken a wrong turn.. BUT then I remember that it's not supposed to look a certain way... my expectations need to be dropped away and I need to let God do what He needs to do and apparently that means me waiting. So, I wait. And I choose to Praise Him anyway, even though my plans were to see a baby here day 1 and to have a calls when that baby goes back to mom and dad or we have a forever baby immediately.. it's hard to lay my desires down and experience what God is doing when I feel that it's nothing.... because we have a very empty baby room... hard to walk past it everyday.. as my heart longs for a full room.... we look back at our eleven year journey with infertility and realize that there is a bigger plan, a greater purpose, but how I long for littles.. that never goes away... so I pray and seek His face.. I remember that God loves me with an extravagant love and I rejoice... because whatever this road may look like.. it's a blessed road and I choose to have a grateful heart..

I feel my attitude change as my perspective is set on the eternal one... it's worth it, God can handle my doubts and questions and He loves me anyway.. I want Him to be glorified as we walk this path and I need to get outta the way and let go... letting go even of my own desire and releasing it.. releasing my desire for littles and believing that God is enough.. may he use the desire in a way that pleases Him and may I be faithful to lay it down and give it to Him... so here it is Lord... it's Yours... it's all Yours!