Questions & Doubts & Release

It's been a week of questions, questioning why the wait for a placement, will we ever get one... waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if it will... jumping every time it does..hoping that it'll be a placement call... but yet, we wait.... we've had calls, but mainly for teens and respite.. which really isn't what we are looking at this phase of life, we have three teens living in our house right now and that's enough I think...

Doubt creeps in as the waiting continues, we start asking ourselves all sorts of questions... we ask why the wait... is this not something God wants for us? Did we make the wrong decision.. and I think I am highly sensitive about that now... I feel like we've made decisions that we thought were the right ones and even though it was a "good" decision.. our path just looked so different from what I thought it would look like... I am afraid at times when things seem to be "on hold" that we've taken a wrong turn.. BUT then I remember that it's not supposed to look a certain way... my expectations need to be dropped away and I need to let God do what He needs to do and apparently that means me waiting. So, I wait. And I choose to Praise Him anyway, even though my plans were to see a baby here day 1 and to have a calls when that baby goes back to mom and dad or we have a forever baby immediately.. it's hard to lay my desires down and experience what God is doing when I feel that it's nothing.... because we have a very empty baby room... hard to walk past it everyday.. as my heart longs for a full room.... we look back at our eleven year journey with infertility and realize that there is a bigger plan, a greater purpose, but how I long for littles.. that never goes away... so I pray and seek His face.. I remember that God loves me with an extravagant love and I rejoice... because whatever this road may look like.. it's a blessed road and I choose to have a grateful heart..

I feel my attitude change as my perspective is set on the eternal one... it's worth it, God can handle my doubts and questions and He loves me anyway.. I want Him to be glorified as we walk this path and I need to get outta the way and let go... letting go even of my own desire and releasing it.. releasing my desire for littles and believing that God is enough.. may he use the desire in a way that pleases Him and may I be faithful to lay it down and give it to Him... so here it is Lord... it's Yours... it's all Yours!

Room to grow

My heart is yearning today for the children I've never met. The foster care process is complete, we are just waiting on final paperwork and I am ready to embark on the next step. Ready to grow our household and very ready to see and hold the little ones who's room we've prepared.

My struggle of infertility and training and preparation through foster care gives me a unique perspective at times. I see the parents of these children in the foster system and wonder how they could take for-granted the blessing that they have. How could they make choices that damage and destroy flesh of their flesh? Michael and I have prayed many times as we've walked through infertility that God would bless us again with flesh of our flesh, but God had better plans and we are finally seeing what that plan was... it was that we would pour ourselves out and open our hearts to the children in our city who need love and family for however long or short the amount of time, there is a need. And we are willing and able to fit that need. I can now honestly say I am grateful for the struggle of infertility. I have a softness to my heart when it comes to others walking the same road, I also have seen the miracle of pregnancy against odds that seemed insurmountable... although that wasn't our journey through fertility treatments, we remain joyful in the Lord that He knows more and we trust that His way will be far better... So we are anticipating good things, knowing that the road of fostering will not be easy, but it will be rewarding, that God is already preparing our hearts and home for the little ones who will be in it and we are praying that we will have permanency with them, that we could adopt more children and grow our family.

My world...

I think I need to be reminded every now and then (okay like ALL THE TIME!) that there's a bigger picture.... Chasing after you God... chasing after your heart.. chasing after your will.... ugh, how often I chase after mine...

So, you need to know that this week has been a bit rough for me emotionally... I've been struggling with feeling sad about not being pregnant... yeah, I really want more children, I would love to have at least two more... but if you've read other blogs then you know that with my PCOS it's quite a process to get pregnant... and although there are times that I am okay with it, there are times when I am overwhelmed with sadness about it.. That would describe this week for me.. sad... I haven't really talked about it much outside of talking to Michael about it.. he is used to hearing me process this.. he's a patient man... Facebook does not always help with these sad feelings.. it seems like everyone I know is either pregnant or just had a baby.. really! Like everyone! So, that's when I need to remember that God has a bigger picture.. He never stops loving me.. He's here when all I do is cry and don't have words to utter... he knows my unspoken words and my spoken, He can handle my anger and questions and He really is my All in All... So, I am breaking out of my own little world and looking forward to enjoying a weekend away with good friends and family.. how I look forward to celebrating a time of togetherness... how I need to laugh and enjoy myself... breaking out of my own little world of pity..

I will find myself...

Someday; Some Days

The meaning of these words
Someday- an indefinite time in the future
Some Days... speaking of the current day usually stated at the end of it ...

There are days when I am filled with pondering the why and how of every mood.. how can you be filled with great excitement and great sorrow at the same time? Isn't it weird when that happens.. This is when I run to the hiding place to be with God.. Another way of expressing how I have found safety in a God who knows both joy and sorrow blended together ... how this reminds me of the Cross! So, it's one of those days where sorrow and joy meet.. here's the song that speaks to my heart and says the words I
feel! Praising God for someday and this day!!

Self Cleaning Oven

Info found on TLC website... self-cleaning ovens use an approximately 900 degrees Fahrenheit (482 degrees Celsius) temperature cycle to burn off spills leftover from baking, without the use of any chemicals. A self-cleaning oven is designed with a mechanical interlock (patented in 1982) to keep the oven door locked and closed during and soon after the high-temperature cleaning cycle, which can be approximately three hours. The door stays locked to prevent burn injuries. You can open the oven door after the oven cools to approximately 600 F (315 C).

Weird title I know, but while the smell of my self cleaning oven fills my apartment I am reminded of God's refining fire. I wish I came with a warning that while God is cleaning me up, don't open the door... this would help because I know that while I am being refined, it's not always easy for those around me.. they may get burned in the process, because I resist the work the Lord needs to do and react in a way that is so not loving.. I should most definitely come with a WARNING some days!!

Isaiah 48:10 (New International Version)

10 See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

I feel like right now. I am in that furnace being refined, there are so many areas of my life where I am stubborn and won't let go. Michael and I have wanted to add more children to our family for the past nine years of so now, we have prayed, been prayed for, done fertility, seen the best of the best fertility Dr., and still have been unsuccessful in our attempts. I have this burden on my heart and this immense desire to have more children, I have prayed that if it's not God's desire, that He would take it away from me, yet the desire remains... that desire is something that I have laid before the throne so many times... I know that God hears me, I know that He loves me, I know that I know that He has a plan for this desire.... it just might not look the way I think it should... In the past few days I have cried about it, wrestled with my own self pity and realized that although at times I feel angry at God about it, He is so gracious and good... this fact about Him never changes no matter how I am feeling... He is refining me, showing me that my heart for children is not lost.. I have been graced with two wonderful kids, I also have the privelege of having a group of girls that I minister to through our youth group ministry...the doors to have more children are not shut forever, there are options that we are exploring and praying through...my hope is not lost...I am just being refined, I have gone through things that I know will come into play in the ministry we do in Italy and even here as we prepare to go... I have been able to sit down face to face with women already and share my experience with infertility and encourage them as they go through some of the same questions I faced... God uses our brokeness and refines us so that we may reflect His Ever-Loving face... May I continue to let him work in me and do so without needing the WARNING sign!