I have many conversations inside my head; those thoughts that bounce around prior to a conversation, or one that is yet to be.. or maybe one that will never come at all. I have found that sharing my thoughts in written format scares me. Although I greatly appreicate reading the honest, gut wrenching moments in others blogs, I am struggling with being that transparent in mine.
My blog tends to edit the moments that could step on others toes or hurt feelings. I just can't bring myself to the point of feeling like it'll be okay to share them.... but isn't that the point of this? Isn't my heart crying out to share the deep moments, the real life, the mess.. I crave that. So where do I start? And how much do I share? I think I will just start being "more me"... I may shock, offend, or annoy folks in the process, but all opinions can do that right? ... the honest truth may not happen as quickly as I dream. The layers may take some time to peel back... but I am taking a baby step..
Looking back at the journey that got me to this day, this moment at the pool talking with women who share their world with others through blogs, who open their hearts for all to see, I am inspired to do the same. Grateful to know and meet such brave women. Life is messy. I am imperfect. There, that was freeing! Welcome to my imperfect mess!
What is my greatest fear in being more real? That's the question that's been stewing in my head this afternoon. What will happen if I just lay it out there... will people still like me? That's what it comes down to for me most...being likable.. does that just sound crazy shallow? I think I am mostly likable... I can be a lot of fun, I am positive most days, but what about those days and times when I am no fun to be around, when I am feeling discouraged, angry, and overall ugly... will I still be likable? And why is being likable more important to me than authentic?. That's pandora's box for me... I have so many tales to tell about why pretending or putting on a face is sometimes my natural reaction rather than honesty. Hurt and shame can cause me to put on the mask or ignore the pain... BUT I am praising God that I am recognizing that a bit more quickly now, and I am trying to be more intentional with my friendships, to live life on life more openly, talking through the mess and knowing that the mess of life doesn't define me, I am who I am in Christ and He loves me. So my security can be found only in Jesus. I am secure to share the ups and downs, the joys and triumphs, heart aches and burdens; honestly without fear, but with tenderness and empathy.
chills my friend, chills. THANK YOU for sorting it out authentically and on your blog...it helps me sort out my own mess. Excited about those layers peeling back, we as women need permission to do this, and brave examples like you who show what it can look like and what awesomeness can come from it!
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