What's this feeling?

I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I tend to share my heart and thoughts very openly. I trust people easily, I am given to hugging people I have just met, I am open, talkative, and enjoy laughing and sharing life with people.. your typical "people-person". But what is this feeling that is tugging on my heart... oh yeah, it's doubt... DOUBT! Ugh, what an ugly word!

doubt- to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.

Yup, that pretty much sums up my heart struggle these past few weeks. This is a new feeling for me, like I said earlier, I don't usually struggle with trust... I tend to sway towards trusting too much, even when trust is undeserved.. and Christ most certainly deserves all the trust.. so why is this so hard to live out? Michael is asking me to trust him and God that He will provide all we need & that everything will be okay.. God will get us there.. and it's not really the getting there that worries me really.. it's this process now, the deputation and preparation part. Michael is done with Target on May 31st. This prospect and reality scares me...

I know the church answer that God will provide and that we can trust Him, but when push comes to shove, it's a scary thing.. I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, and I realize that either God really is the only one who will get us through or that it's us who gets us through.. and even though I don't want to admit it, sometimes I think I am struggling with what I believe to be true...and I have believed the lie that we are somehow in control.. That's honest, and it's ugly. So tonight: I am letting go of my messed up perception.. I am jumping into the loving arms of God and He is there waiting with outstretched arms!

He knows that my heart is hammering inside me and I am struggling with doubt.. but guess what? I refuse to let doubt win, I will trust!

We will soon be living on the US support schedule and fully relying on our givers as we finish out raising all that is needed. We are needing to be 50% funded by August and as close to 100% funded by March. There is much work to be done. This journey in trusting God and knowing that He will provide and choosing to trust him to take care of our needs this side of the ocean is an awesome step for us. How silly of me to think that I could trust Him to take care of us some 3,000 miles from here, but that He really can't take care of us right now is ridiculous. My doubt has caused me to really look into my mess of a heart and listen more closely to God and it's causing me to let go of my thoughts that I control anything.. because let me tell you, I control nothing. I have relinquished my selfish thoughts and am choosing instead to trust God that He will provide!

We are so thankful for faithful givers, thankful for people who have partnered with us to see God's fame be advanced in Italy, we are humbled by your giving. Humbled by your trust in what God has called us to. Knowing that God is preparing hearts and minds there now, how we pray for you and pray also for those we will see soon in Italy! What an amazing God we serve! I am so excited to get there, knowing that this next year will be filled with sharing our journey into missions and our mission to Italy... Knowing it's all about God's glory!

The passion I feel for the lost is what keeps me pressing on, my heart is crying out to follow, to love, to feel what God feels... it bring me to tears in prayer time, my voice cries out that I want to love like Jesus, to share His love to the nations... when I stop focusing on me.. I focus more on what it's really all about, bringing the lost to know Jesus!